My oldest brother currently works in an internship at Cheminova and today they had a visit from the blood donor bus. Of course bro was going to donate and this nurse came to him to aid him through the proces.
Upon seeing his full name (our middle name in particular is unique, thus easy to recognize) the nurse - entirely out of the blue - asked how I (as in me, someone who wasn't there and really had nothing to do with anything there, I just happen to be related to this person the nurse was going to help donate blood) was doing these days.
Bro was taken aback at the sudden random question and just answered I was doing fine and explained where I currently live and that was that.
When he came home to tell me what he had experienced I was pretty darn confused and mom and my other bro speculated it must be the mother of one of my former classmates since they know she's a nurse who at least used to work on the donor bus. It's the most viable option.
And that's where I'm getting pretty disgusted and disturbed. This isn't the first time parents of my former classmates from public school suddenly butt in with questions about where I've gone off to and if I'm doing okay. Normally it would seem like a genuine expression of interest, but seeing how these parents' kids were absolute assholes towards me back in the day and they completely failed to control their kids while I became a broken person who eventually had to RUN AWAY from my own fucking hometown to try and rebuild myself, it pisses me off how they suddenly prance along these days trying to fish out information about whether I suceeded in killing myself, became a social outcast with no education and stuck on financial aid, or somehow managed to create a life I could live decently. I know most expected I'd end up on a graveyard before I'd hit my 20's judging from how I detoriated from several years of bullying, so not seeing my name in the obituaries and my sudden disappearance from my hometown must've made many suffer from intense curiosity.
I find it tasteless that this mother in particular took advantage of her profession to ask someone she only realised was related to me through access to private information through her job about private matters that's ABSOLUTELY NONE of her concern. It's a shame bro was taken aback by this sudden and random question, along with being too nice, to not just say "It's none of your business". I've otherwise many times said to my family that if people they don't know ask about me, then brush them off because if they don't know where I live or how I'm doing, then it's because they're not supposed to know. Partly because I to this day still worry about my own well-being (I wouldn't put it past certain people to track down where I live and make use of it - it's probably paranoid of me, I know) but also because it's none of their damn business.
This may seem like an overreaction on my part. It probably is. But imagine this; During ALL of your school years, you've put up with daily attacks from your classmate, one trying to surpass the other in who can come with the meanest attacks or who's the first to make you cry one day after another, there's not a day where you can expect coming home with all of your belongings because they've either been destroyed, thrown out or just downright stolen, locking yourself up in the school's toilet stall in desperation for being left alone only to find out they've placed chairs infront of the stall door so you can't come out again and they stand there waiting for you to try so they can laugh at your pathetic situation thus humiliating the very fact that you're cornered and just want to get away, every success you make or every failure you make is laughed at and made fun of, there's nothing you can do right but there's everything you can do wrong and you most certainly will be called out on it, there's no worth even trying to succeed because you'll get told why you're a huge failure anyway - plus it's unfair to your classmates if you get better grades than them, think of how miserable they'll be when they have to put up with your good grades! - and christ, stop being such a crybaby, so they poured milk all over your things and stole your pencil case with all of your expensive colouring pens, they're just playing around and really, it's your own fault for not looking after your own things when you're too busy locking yourself away! No wonder nobody likes you when you don't want to play with your own classmates!!
And the parents of these classmates most certainly can't see what's wrong with what they're doing, honestly, it's because you trick - TRICK - them into doing mean things they'd normally never do, they behave so well when they're at home but at school they're suddenly demented jerks? Sure seems odd that you're the only one they're attacking, but then again you're the only one who gets good grades without even trying and you're overweight and have a scar on your face and have a weird name, so by default of logic the only one at fault is you. Why not lose some weight, wear makeup, get a cute nickname and just give your classmates all the answers to their tests so they can get good grades too, everything will definitely become better, it's the only way since you're the only one who seems to be suffering while everybody else are doing fine!
Now add to that some guilt tripping from the teachers since you, after so many years with shit like the above, don't want anything to do with these people, you just want to be alone, you can't handle these people and their awful behaviour but then get told that it's unfair to your classmates that you "suddenly" don't want anything to do with them, you're supposed to help them in class, why haven't you lost weight yet, no wonder they treat you so bad.
Now add to that your classmates are taking a HUGE advantage of the fact that nobody believes you and think it's your own fault because you're different, and suddenly excuse their years long poor behaviour with it's because you don't want anything to do with them, entirely ignoring the very reason you ended up taking a distance to everybody in the first place.
You start dealing with stress-symptoms; You can't sleep, you're exhausted and tired, your heart feels like it's about to beat out through your chest, you shake constantly, you feel like burning and freezing at the same time, you catch yourself having stared at the wall for hours without realising it, you start losing your hair, you feel dizzy on a daily basis, start getting a tendency to blackouts and fainting, you stop eating, you generally can't stand your own existence. You can't tell anybody about it because it'll be deemed as an overreaction or attempt to get attention because you're also an attentionwhore since you're so different from everybody. You break down. You cry over the smallest things. Can't make a shoe feel right when put on? You cry. Can't find the shirt you want to wear? You cry. Can't find the key you need to use? You cry.
You get too afraid to leave your own home because you're used to get yelled at by classmates who live nearby and see you. You know they're there, it's a small town, even going shopping means you'll meet them. You start getting afraid of the dark, they could be watching from where you can't see. Maybe they even hid small recorders somewhere so they can film your pathetic life and show it to your face the next day all while laughing. Everything needs to get checked over, under the bed, in the closet, in your boxes. All doors need to get shut and a small light needs to be on so you can still see what's there. Even during the hot summer where it's unbearable to sleep with a blanket, you cover yourself up so you can't be seen.
You're twelve years old.
Now I know there are several ways to handle pasts like that, but my way is to take a huge distance to everybody from the past and start all over. It's been seven years since and I've managed to create a pretty darn good life (the huge neighbour failure not included) and become a person I'm actually pretty okay with. But I suppose because I just disregarded the people from the past, it immediately fills me with anger and disgust when I'm confronted with the fact that they still exist, they have no regrets and they have no fucking shame.
Some would probably think I need to work on that - it's not healthy to hold a grudge and it's deemed as an unlikable trait, but I'm perfectly okay with becoming like this. It sucks to feel this way, sure, but I can't change the past and I can't change the way I view it. But I can justify my feelings and there's nothing wrong with feeling anger and frustration. I've been through very unfair behaviour for pretty dumb reasons and I can't change that. I, however, will in no way insult myself by forgiving these people or in any way engage in any sort of relationship with these people - not them, not our former teachers, not their parents, nobody - I'm not this great person who can forgive an move on. But I can move on. If you've put me through awful experiences, I will hold it against you forever. If that sucks, then don't do it, that's all I ask. Mistakes happen and I can detect that, but deliberate awful behaviour with the sole purpose of hurting someone; Get the HECK out of my life and stay away! Going through some years afterwards and one day wonder "Gee, I wonder how the person I've personally contributed to breaking down to someone who should be bound to psychiatry is doing?" and then seek me out won't make me think "Well, it's so long ago, I guess I owe you an explanation of how I've managed through life with what little remains of my person you spared".
I'm just glad it's not so often I hear from these people, I'd probably have to publish a book or something.